So meaningless with so much meaning

     It sits on the counter above my kitchen sink. It smells like Cinnamon and it is red. It is a candle that I bought on October 24, 2011. It is completely burnt down to wear all that is left is the two wicks. I was cleaning yesterday and I picked it up to throw it away and I couldn't bring myself to drop it in the trash can. Why? I think that anyone reading this would agree that a candle is a pretty meaningless object. This candle that I have described isn't just any candle. I bought this candle the day my Nana died. We were at the florist picking flowers for her casket and I just felt so empty so I did what I usually do when I need to feel better...I bought something (ha!). I bought 2 of these candles one for me and one for my mom. I remember thinking to myself that this candle is really big it is going to last for a really long time. Well it's been three months and the wax has all burned and there really isn't a use for this candle in my house but I can't let it go. This candle that is so meaningless has so much meaning for me. It reminds me of that last day of my Nana's life. It reminds me of the tears, the love and the bond that my family shared in saying goodbye to my sweet Nana.



     So meaningless with so much meaning. We all have objects in our life that hold sentimental value. I am thankful for the reminders that these objects provide.

Let it Be Christmas

     How many of you have heard about these Mystery Santa's on the news these last few weeks. These "santa's" are men and women who are truly good samaritan's. These people are scattered all throughout the United States and they are going into local department stores and paying off people's layaways. I have seen many interviews from different people who have gotten a phone call saying that their layaway had been paid for them to come and redeem their items. I watched a mom cry telling how her family has 2 cars in the shop, money has been so tight and such a burden has been lifted off of her shoulders.


      It isn't just huge monetary gifts that have impressed me. I read a friend's facebook status saying that her and her husband drove through a fast food drive thru and when they got to the window to pay the lady said that the person in front of them had paid for their meal. A complete stranger bought their meal! Wow! So in turn her and her husband paid for the meal of the person behind them.

   These stories of good people could go on and on! It is so nice to hear of these stories when sometimes we feel so bombarded by the negativity of this world. It is encouraging to know that people have good hearts and want to see good things come to others.

    I am also reminded of my "layaway" that was paid. See without Jesus being born and dying for me I would be like the mom with 2 cars in the shop and no way to provide for my family. I would be a lost cause. The layaway that Jesus paid for us is SO much greater than any materialistic things of this world! Thanks be to God! May we all remember that He is the Reason for the Season and pass His love to all that we encounter!

Priorities

         In the last few weeks I have began my Christmas shopping. It is different this year because most of the time I have a little 5 month old tagging along.  The process takes a little longer this year because we stop for bottle breaks or wrecking into racks with the stroller :). One thing that has not changed this year is my ability to find something for myself that I just HAVE to HAVE. I mean seriously I can be at Gander Mountain or The Great Outdoor Store and find something that has "Brooke" written all over it.


          I was in Marshall's one day over these last few weeks and I found something for myself that I absolutely loved. The good voice inside my head reminded me that this is Christmas time and that I am to be buying for others not myself. Reluctantly I hung the item back on the rack and resumed my quest to find the perfect gifts for the one's I love. The bad voice inside my head continued to tell me how much I needed the sweater, how cute it would be at holiday party's, how it is soooo one of a kind...yada, yada, yada. I tried my best to ignore that bad voice. I bought gifts for others and left the sweater for me hanging on the rack. As I walked out of the store I could almost hear that sweater crying out to me "you know you want me!"

       The next day while driving in my car I thought about the sweater. (Now if you don't have a passion for shopping you may not understand this but for me this is perfectly normal. There are plenty of times that I pass an item by and still days after I find myself thinking of the item wishing that I had bought it).  After thinking of the sweater my very next thought was a painful thought. I wondered to myself when is the last time I thought this much over God? When is the last time I couldn't get enough of His word? When is the last time I couldn't stop praying to Him? Painfully I answered myself with a shameful answer...I can't remember the last time.

   It is so embarrassing that I have thought for 72 hours over a 30 dollar sweater that A) I could afford and B) I have a million more hanging in my closet. It is so embarrassing that I couldn't recall the last time I spent as much time thinking about my relationship with God as I do picking out my outfit for the day. I have been challenged to spend more time with God and less time with the superficial things of this world. I pray that over the hustle and bustle of this holiday season we all STOP and just thank God for who He is and what He has done for all of us. May we all reevaluate our priorities. I am thankful to God and the love and compassion that He provides even when I give more thought to a sweater than to Him.

It Happened

     It happened...after 54 years of marriage, 3 girls, 10 grandchildren and a life long relationship with Christ she went to paradise. It is the first time in my life I have lost someone I was really close to. So far I have thought about her everyday, I have said a prayer for my mom everyday and I have been sad for my papa everyday. I say I have thought of my Nana everyday but not in the way you might imagine. Yes, I have missed her but that is not the thoughts that I have had. Instead it has been the thoughts of what is she doing? Does she see people that have died before her? These thoughts are the one's that reside inside of me. I miss her so much and if I think about how much I miss her I start to feel like I have been punched in the stomach.


      More than my own grief and pain, I hurt for my papa. They had the type of marriage that Brian and I strive for. They were best friends, partners, teammates and they loved God more than each other. I hurt for my mom. She and my Nana had a special relationship. They confided in each other, laughed with each other and were more than mother/daughter they were best friends.

      I remember thinking after the funeral; What Now? We have known for some time that my Nana wasn't getting better and we knew that death would be in her near future but it isn't real until it happens. Driving back from Mckenzie that day I knew what to do from this point on. I knew that I wanted to live my life in a way that would please her. I want to teach Meritt the things that my Nana taught me.

    It is so sad and so unbelievably hard to let go of someone that we love so much. There are so many things that can come from something as emotional and sad as this. We can be bitter, we can be reclusive or we can live in a way that would make the person we love and miss so proud.

For You Are Good

         Yesterday at church we were singing a song and we got to a verse and this is what it said "for you are good, for you are good, for you are good to me..." as I sang these words I caught a glimpse of one of the strongest women that I know. As I looked at her she was singing these words and the tears began to stream down my face.


         I was in awe that a woman who has been through so many trials was standing, head held high and singing the words "for you are good, for you are good, for you are good to me..." As a young mother she went through a divorce, she later met the love of her life and he put his heart and soul into loving her and helping her to raise her son. Many years later she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. The outlook was bad, death was the expected outcome. If you know this lady it is no surprise that she fought the battle and won. The battle of cancer was one of the hardest I've heard about but her relationship with God and the love from her husband helped her to fight the cancer and win. This by the way was a surprise to her doctors and to those that knew just how bad the cancer was.

        Then this summer it was a normal Sunday morning she was going to walk with her neighbor and then get dressed for church just as she did most Sunday mornings. She walked to her husbands side of the bed to wake him and her heart sank. He had passed away in his sleep. He was too young for this, she was too young for this, they had just talked and laughed right before they went to bed. Once again devastation. It is now October and every time I look at her I see pure sadness in her eyes. I cry for her and pray for her often.

      Sunday I sang the words "for you are good, for you are good, for you are good to me..." and cried as I saw Alicia Brown singing these same words. I cried because those words come a little easier for me. I was sitting in the pew with my husband. I cried because I am not sure that I have her strength. Don't get me wrong there is not a day that goes by that she doesn't long for Ron to hold her and there probably has not been a night since he died that she has slept through the night. But she has a strength about her that only comes from God and even though she doesn't understand why she has faced so many battles and others around her have faced so little she continues to love the Lord and sing to Him. Thank you Alicia for your strength! Thank you for loving God even in this storm! You are truly teaching all of us as you weather this chapter of life! I love you!

ZOOM, ZOOM, ZOOM

       Last night I read an essay that one of my cousin's wrote for a college English class. She wrote the essay about my Nana. My Nana has been in hospice care for about 2 months now. When she started receiving hospice care they told us that the outlook was grim and that she might only have 6 days left on earth. Here two months later the reports are still very grim and it is one of those things that only God knows the time and day. So until she goes to Heaven we twinge every time the phone rings. My mom and her sister have truly worn themselves out doing everything they can to help my papa out. The emotional toil that it takes to watch your parent die is more than I ever imagined.  Brian's family went through the same thing with his grandad but it was during the first couple of weeks of Meritt's birth so those weeks are truly a blur for me.

      After reading the essay last night I sat on the couch with tears streaming down my face. Meritt was asleep in my arms and I rubbed her head and prayed that I enjoy every moment that I get with her because the essay was a reminder of just how short this life is. My cousin shared lots of memories of my Nana. As I read these memories they all came flooding back and it seemed like it was just yesterday that we were eating Sunday lunch at her house, or listening to her laugh at my dad and uncle Chris. It was so shocking to think that not that long ago my Nana was healthy and able to do as she pleased. I was struck with pain at the thought of how quickly time passes by.

     I am blessed to talk to my mom on the phone everyday. Many days we talk multiple times. I remember that not that long ago my mom and Nana talked on the phone everyday. I can't imagine the void my mom feels by not talking to her mother everyday. Again I am struck with pain at how quickly things change and how quickly time passes.

     My little Meritt can roll over, laugh out loud, sleep through the night, and follow me with her eyes and face as I walk through a room. I am ecstatic over all of these milestones and yet at the same time I get sad at how fast she is growing. These past four months have swished by me and while this reminder isn't so painful it is still a reminder of how quickly time passes by.

      I am so so thankful for the relationships in my life! So thankful for the blessing of family and for the gift of love. It is so sad to see the people we love the most suffer and it is so difficult to say goodbye. I am reminded everyday of just how precious life is and how quickly it goes. I pray that we all say extra "thank yous" for our blessings and that we savor this life more and more everyday!

DRENCHED

          What kind of person are you when it comes to entering the pool or a hot tub? Are you a dip your big toe in slowly, ease your ankles in and so on until finally you are shoulder deep?  Are you the kind that has the "go big or go home" philosophy, you plunge in all at once allowing your entire body to experience the water and its temperatures all at once? or Are you the person that avoids the water all together, I mean who wants to get all wet anyway?


       Sunday at church we were given a charge. A charge to use the gifts God has given us. To not hesitate but instead to JUMP all in and use our gifts and be showered with the blessings that come from using those gifts. Jeff asked at this point in our lives how are we using our gifts. Are we using them just a little, enough to be able to say "yes I use my gifts" but not using them enough to where they interrupt our everyday lives. Are we burying our gifts and not using them at all. Sort of the philosophy "life is great as it is, why use gifts and get tied up with other people's problems." Or are you using your gifts to the fullest allowing God to work through you and use you to strengthen the Kingdom. 

       My parents and Brian's parents have pools in their backyards. I have always been the type to approach the pool stick my toe in, ease down the first step wetting my ankles and gradually, very very gradually slipping my entire body into the pool. I have always made sure that my body was comfortable and gone at my own controlled pace into the water.

    This is also very true of how I use my spiritual gifts. I have always been open to using my gifts just as I have been open to getting into the pool. It is just that I have used my gifts on my time table and with me in as much control as possible. I have used my gifts at a pace to where they don't interrupt my comfortable life. It was Sunday when I realized that trusting God, and showing God the love that He deserves means that I jump all in! To use my spiritual gifts to their ultimate potential. I am so thankful for the gifts that God has blessed me with. It is important that we know that God blesses us all with spiritual gifts. We can choose to use them and grow them into even more or we can bury them and watch them disappear. May we all trust God enough to Jump all in!