I Need You

           It was two hours past her bedtime and she was absolutely exhausted! We had some friends over and let her stay up past her bedtime and she was quickly becoming an exhausted, tantrum throwing mess. Her dad took her upstairs to put her to bed and at a day shy of being 35 weeks pregnant I didn't complain that I didn't have to climb the stairs and wrestle her to bed. They had been upstairs for about 10 minutes and she is still sobbing and now she is also calling out "mommy." I go upstairs to assist my husband and comfort Meritt. When I walk in her room she sees me and through tears cries out "I need you mommy!" Let me first say that I have an incredible husband and he is more than a perfect dad to Meritt but in that moment she "needed" me.

          At 2.5 years old the normal statement from her mouth is "I do it myself" so to hear the words "I need you mommy" made me weak in the knees and my heart skipped a beat. I crawled into her bed and laid beside her and wrapped her in my arms. Her tear and snot soaked face pressed against my chest and in that moment nothing else existed except for my little girl and her "need" for me. Deep down I know that she needs me for all kinds of things. I know that at her age she could not survive on her own but with each day her desire for a little more independence is a brutal reminder that she is only mine for a small time. She is a growing thriving little girl and the more she can do by herself the happier she is. But in those moments, in those precious moments, that she reminds me that she needs me I am so happy and eager to be there to help her and love on her as much as she will allow.


    After she calmed down and let us tuck her in I found myself lying in my own bed thinking about my own desire for independence from God. Just like Meritt couldn't possibly survive on her own; without God I wouldn't make it a day. Deep down I know that, yet I find myself living my own life and making lots of decisions without seeking Him and His guidance. In times of pure exhaustion and desperation in this life I find myself crying out saying "I need you God." How deep the Father's love is and how thankful I am because in those times that I cry out He is there and He scoops me up and wraps His arms around me and comforts me and quiets the storms in my life.  In those times I am reminded that my own life isn't much different than the life of my toddler. In those times I am humbled at the reminder of how small I am and just how big God is.


     Thanks be to God that His mercies are new every morning and His love never gives up on me. How thankful I am to have a God that comes when I need Him and is always waiting with open arms to scoop me up.

In the Present

               When I was pregnant with her I couldn't wait to have her in my arms.  When she was  a newborn I couldn't wait until she could sleep for longer stretches at a time.  When she was 3 months I couldn't wait for her to be 6 months so she could sit up. When she was 6 months I couldn't wait for her to start crawling. When she was 11 months I couldn't wait for her to start walking. So much developed those first 18 months and when I look back I see that when she hit those big milestones I was anxious to see what was next instead of savoring the moment that we were in.


             She is 2 years old now and she is her own person. She talks all the time and she laughs at things she finds funny and turns up her nose at things that don't please her. She likes to do everything by herself. I now find myself wishing for time to stand still. She is more refreshing than a cold glass of water on a hot summer day and I want to drink all of this in. I want to savor it all and make the most of every precious moment that I am blessed with. 


          When I hug her and say "I love you" she says "no, mommy I love you more" and while I don't believe it's possible for her to love me more I feel my entire being melt like wax at her precious words. We have 50 something days left until our baby boy, Wells, arrives and while pregnancy at this point is very uncomfortable and very hard with a 2 year old I am trying with all that I am to not wish for tomorrow but instead to savor today. 


       My prayer is to be present in the moment and to make the most of every moment. I know that time flies with one child and it will certainly zoom when we have two.  I pray for us to continue to have a home that keeps Christ at the forefront and that we never lose focus of our purpose here on this earth.

The Valley of Infertility

           There she sits on the edge of her bed, tears streaming down her face, she has sat here before, 15 other times but who is counting. It is all the same, the pain, disappointment, emptiness, anger, yep it's all the same. She looks at the plastic test in her hand, gosh, if it only had two lines things would be so different. One line, she knows she needs to tell her husband but she is so disgusted with herself, with the process, with her husband, she is disgusted and doesn't want to have to tell him that once again she failed the test. What is so different about her body? Why is she the only person on the entire planet that can't carry a child to term?


         She goes to church, to the grocery, to target, literally everywhere she goes she is bombarded by women with protruding baby bumps and if they don't have the bump it is because they are cradling their tiny bundles of joy that have just been born. It seems like every time she logs onto Facebook there is another pregnancy announcement. She is surrounded and constantly reminded that once again it is not her that is expecting.  The variety of emotions that swell up inside her when she sees a pregnant woman are overwhelming. There is sadness, jealousy, anger, hopefulness, anxiety,  joy at the thought of the miracle, the emotions are many and they consume her entirely.


        Her heart aches for a baby, her heart aches for the babies that she miscarried. She tosses and turns at night wondering when/if she will ever be blessed with her own bundle. She knows that no matter the valley that she is asked to walk through, that God is faithful and that He will make a way. She has walked through other dark valleys in life and God has always shined a light and provided a way. She opens her bible and begins to read, God speaks to her and she is comforted by His voice. She feels the multitude of friends that are praying for her and at times of desperation she closes her eyes and pictures all of her friends going before God on her behalf. A peace blankets her.


       We all know this girl, maybe her circumstances aren't exactly the same, but we all know someone who struggles with infertility. May we all go before God and pray for her as she struggles through questions that go unanswered, heartache, and disappointment.  If you are this girl, may you know that you are not alone and you are not walking through this valley alone. May you feel the multitude of prayers that are being lifted on your behalf. May you never forget that God is faithful.


        She sits on the edge of her bed, tears streaming down her face and this time she isn't holding a test. She is holding letters written to her by friends who are committing to pray for her and be there for her as she struggles through this awful time.

Hands Held High

                He was a lonely boy in the service and she started writing letters to him to encourage him and to help mend his loneliness.  He was from the South and she from California. They had never met but a lady at church told her about him and told her that he could really use some letters. They corresponded via mail for several months.  She was something special and he knew it. He began calling her and they talked on the phone and they both started realizing this relationship that began with a pen and paper was growing into love, true love. They both expressed their desire to spend the rest of their lives together. Neither had seen the other but they both new for certain that their love was the real deal. He borrowed a car to go and retrieve his bride. He met her and her beauty only added to the love that he already had for her.

         

  This past November they shared their love story to my Sunday school class and Forest choked up as he told about the extreme faith that Liz's father, Mr. Ellis, must have had to let his daughter wed and move to the south with a boy that they had never met. Decades later and still their eyes lit up as they spoke of their love for each other. They shared funny and sweet newlywed stories. They shared of times when they had no money and they shared of times when the Lord blessed them richly. They shared how they cared for their 3 children and later how they cared for their aging, dying parents. At some points I had goose bumps listening to their words and other times I was wiping away tears. A precious couple full to the brim with love for one another but even more love for Jesus.


          On January 22nd Forrest was taken from this earth. It was a sudden and surprising death and it shook everyone that knew him to the core. He and Liz made servant hood a priority and the amount of people that they have served is truly unbelievable. He lived a life up until his dying breath that glorified God. The hole that he leaves in our church and in our community is a big one but I am certain it is small in comparison to the hole that is in Liz's heart. I had the privilege to attend Forrest's funeral and it was truly a celebration of Forrest's life and also a celebration of Forrest's new home. As we sang songs of praise I could see Liz, hands held high, eyes closed and she was looking to the heavens. The sight reminded me of the faith that she has in Jesus, in knowing that as painful and heartbreaking as losing her soul mate and best friend is that he is done. He lived a life that still continues to touch others and glorify God and now he is home resting in his Saviors arms. I also pictured Mr. Ellis, Liz's dad.  The day that Forrest took Liz to be his wife was a heartbreaking day for Mr. Ellis his baby girl was leaving home and going far away to live with a boy that he barely knew. I picture Mr. Ellis looking much like Liz did on the day she buried Forrest; hands held high, clinging to God's promises and looking to the heavens for comfort.

    May we all hold our hands up high, close our eyes and look to the heavens during good times and bad.  May we always remember that God is a faithful God. May we always know that this world is temporary and our permanent home awaits us. May we never stop living lives that are full of service and glorify God. May we all trust in God's words just as Liz is doing and as Mr. Ellis did.

The Friendship

                  

 Senior year of highschool we road in a limo to Memphis to go to dinner, watch a play and celebrate Donald's birthday and our last summer together as The Friendship. That limo ride was hilarious and so sad, a wave of emotions as we laughed about past memories and we cried about what the future meant for each of us. We had the world at our fingertips, we were good kids and we all had potential to grow and flourish into adulthood. We were all going our separate ways in just a couple of weeks and while we were all excited we were all terrified. We were each others best friends, but more than that we had become family and life didn't seem like it could go on with us all being in separate places.

              Every college break we met up, we cooked elaborate dinners for our parents, we traveled together and we laughed a lot. When we were away at school we sent group texts and group chats and laughed until it hurt. As with all of us the more we grew into adults the more we experienced life.  We all had blessed lives but no life is spared from heartache, trials or pain.  From breakups, a cancer diagnosis in one of our moms, several grandparents deaths, a stroke that tried to steal one of our dads, trouble in trying to find a job, dealing with job loss, and the list goes on and on. Through all of the bad came lots of good.  New cities, a mom who overcame cancer, marriage, a dad who beat the odds, children, new jobs and then other new jobs. Through the heartache and the joys one thing has remained constant and that is The Friendship. Some of us have added significant others, some have added kids and while we have shed many tears together we still continue to laugh. We laugh a lot!


           This past weekend all of The Friendship, except one, had the blessing of traveling together to Chicago. This marks Chicago trip #11 and it always seems that Chicago comes at just the right time in our lives. In the midst of turmoil and stress we reunite in Chicago and talk and laugh and pour out our pains and worries.  There are times that the stress seems to be like too much and it is in those times that I am reminded of The Friendship and the way that these relationships are truly the best medicine. Blessed with friends old and new and always thankful for The Friendship!

Chasing Bubbles

         After what feels like the longest, grayest, coldest winter we at last have a day of warmer temps and beautiful sunshine! Meritt and I head outside for an afternoon of soaking up as much sunshine and fresh air as we possibly can.  I push her on the swing, she climbs her rock wall and slides down her slide over and over and over. Then she spots the container. The big, plastic, purple container that holds her bubbles. "Blow bubbles mommy, blow bubbles." I grab the container, pull out the wand and begin blowing bubbles. The first bubbles I blow come straight for my face so I turn adjust the wand in a new direction and start blowing. I blow bubbles and Meritt chases bubbles. When I blow into the wand 8-10 bubbles go flying through the air and each time Meritt looks up picks one bubble out of the bunch and starts chasing it. She runs until the bubble lands and then she stomps on it or smashes it with her hand, this is followed by the sweetest giggles that only a two year old can provide. The seventh or eighth time that I go to blow into the wand the bubbles are released and Meritt spots the bubble she wants to pop. This particular bubble is flying sporadically through the air. It goes up and down and side to side, Meritt begins to get frustrated and starts to cry out. I say Meritt go pop another bubble there are several over there and she says "no, me want this bubble."  I think to myself how crazy her ration is and then I am reminded of the Shepard who leaves his 99 sheep to go look for the one lost sheep.

     Aren't we like bubbles? God releases us into this crazy world and we all fly through it differently. Some of us fly in a straight line, some of us clump together and some of us take the bumpy ride we falter all over and end up over the fence lost. But isn't it so reassuring to know that the God that releases us cares about us all the same. He wants all of us, the do-gooders, the ones that blend with the crowd and he even wants the wanderers.  God loves us enough that He will abandon the 99 to come and seek out the one that has strayed away. I am so thankful to serve a God that chases the bubbles and loves me unconditionally. He knows my name, He knows my heart and He claims me as His own!

The Joy in Cleaning

     This past Friday was a day of deep cleaning. I was expecting a lot of company on Saturday so Friday I dove into cleaning my house. I tackled areas that had been neglected for quite some time. I cleaned the inside and outside of all my windows, dusted blinds, wiped down kitchen cabinets, bathroom cabinets, vacuumed ceiling fans...you get the idea. Pretty much it was a BLAH day!

    If you have been to my house you know that I have white cabinets. Picture this a 21 month old toddler and white cabinets. I was down on my hands and knees cleaning hand print, after hand print, smudge after smudge from little Meritt and I ALMOST let myself get a feeling of frustration but just before the frustration swept over me I was flooded with the thought that in a few short years I won't have smudges or hand prints to clean. My little girl won't be a little girl she will be a big girl and I will long for these moments of remembering her sweet little hands.


    I then began to pray. Every time I came across a hand print of Meritt's or a smudge made by Meritt I prayed. I prayed that she would grow up and love God more than anything. I prayed that at that very moment God is raising up a young man that is going to be her husband and that he will love Meritt but that he will love God more than Meritt. I prayed for Meritt to have a tender heart. I prayed that she would be quick to listen and slow to speak. I prayed that she would be quick to forgive and be kind to all people. As I prayed these prayers suddenly cleaning didn't feel like the chore that it had started out to be.

    My prayers for Meritt then turned to prayers for my husband, for my family, for my friends. This daunting task of cleaning had turned into such a blessing. As my day came to an end Friday my house was clean and my heart was full. Full to the brim. I felt joy, and a feeling of calmness knowing that my baby, husband, family and friends are all being guarded by our Heavenly Father!! I know that there will be frustrations to come in life's boring tasks but I pray that I remember Friday and that when the mundane tasks come I can turn those tasks into a time of joyous conversation between me and my Heavenly Father!!