My Shoulder, Your Head

         It was a Monday night and I had just birthed you.  When they handed you to me I held you against my chest and that's when my shoulder met your head.  It was a perfect fit and my entire body instantly knew that you, my boy, were mine. The warmth, overflowing love, and instant gratification that you gave me were all just almost more than my heart could handle. 


        Since that Monday night in May I have held you a lot and my shoulder and your head always seem to find each other.  It seems to be your resting place and your source of comfort. The back of your head nestled against the inside of my neck.  Your pudgy little cheek resting softly on my shoulder.  In the middle of the night when you have cried out as you cut new teeth I have held you and consoled you, my shoulder held your head and there you found comfort.  Through ear infections, tummy aches and sniffles my shoulder has held your head and there you found relief.


      When our dog of 9 years, Jackson, passed away I held you close.  Your head on my shoulder and I sobbed as I mourned Jackson.  Your head on my shoulder brought me comfort.  You see it is just as much a resting place for me as it is for you. Having your sweet head on my shoulder brings me peace that only a mother can understand. 


     You have already lost that newborn smell, your head has grown bigger and I know that the years are numbered that you will enjoy putting your head on my shoulder.  My boy, I hope you always know that I am here; my shoulder is here for scraped knees, broken hearts and bruised egos.  My shoulder will be here until my time on earth runs out and the truth is everyday my shoulder will probably long for your head to rest there. 

14

             Because 14 is too young to lose your mom.  Because 14 is too young to not have anyone that wants you when your mom dies.  Because 14 is supposed to be the time of your life.  Because 14 is such a critical age in life. Because 14 is too young to be in charge of making all the decisions at the funeral home.  For all of the reasons and many more his life currently sucks.

           He can't eat, he says he is depressed.  When you ask him what you can do he says "I just want my mama."  Crocodile tears run down his face and he says " I just need her." He has always been required to make adult decisions as a child.  His carefree childhood never existed.  He has done some really stupid things and he has done some really honorable things.  He has been through more than most will ever go through in their whole life.


        He asks why? He asks will I ever feel better? I honestly don't know the answer to either so instead I tell him I will pray and I will do any earthly things that I can for him. I toss and turn all night hurting for him, praying for him. I find myself kneeling before the Almighty and pleading for comfort for him.


       Many ask what can be done and the truth is I don't know. I can't make his mom come back to life and I can't fill the hole that is now in his heart. So I tell them to pray. I ask everyone to hit their knees and ask for comfort, peace and a better life for Josh.


       This picture is Josh.  His mom died yesterday and his future is full of uncertainty and it is such a critical age in a persons life.  I ask if you read this please send a prayer up for him. 

Normal Day

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.  Let me learn from, love you, bless you before you depart.  Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.  Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.  One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."
                                                                                                                      - Mary Jean Irion



            Yesterday, for me, was a normal day. Nothing extraordinary, nothing out of the ordinary.  My children and husband woke up happy, I fed my children, we visited with some people that we love, had supper as a family, took baths, read bedtime stories, said prayers and went to sleep feeling that yesterday was a normal but good day.


           Yesterday, for some, was an anything but normal day. Several friends who are very near and dear to me had days that ranged from extraordinary to devastating. Yesterday my cousin and his wife sat in a courtroom, on their 3rd wedding anniversary, and waited to hear a judges ruling on whether the foster child that they have had since he was a couple of weeks old would be taken away.  Yesterday a precious friend put her hand on her belly and remembered the baby that she miscarried 1 year ago to the day, she also thanked God for the precious baby that is growing inside of her.  Yesterday a friend got a call that no one wants to receive. Her brother had suddenly died leaving behind his 3 young children.  Yesterday some friends ran around town doing last minute preparation's for their wedding on Saturday.


       People get jobs, people lose jobs.  People are born and people die.  People get a clear bill of health and people get diagnosed with cancer. It is life.  These things, as hard as we may try, cannot be avoided. On the days when life seems mundane or we are craving more may we stop and be thankful. May we stop wanting more and instead relish in the here and now.

       There will be days and chapters in all of our lives that we will hurt and in those days we will find ourselves praying, begging for a normal day. Be thankful for the here and now for none of us know what tomorrow may bring. 

I Have Seen Her

            I have seen her. The Target parking lot, the produce section at Kroger, standing in the LONG line at the post office...I've seen her all these places and many more. Sometimes she is in her forties and sometimes in her fifties, sixties or seventies, sometimes her skin is brown and sometimes white, Sometimes she is fit and sometimes she is barely able to walk. While each time her appearance is completely different the one thing that makes her identifiable is the look in her eyes when she sees me.

            You see every time she sees me I am not alone. I am toting a 15lb baby in a 10 lb carrier in my right arm and the rest of my entire body is leaning to the left to try and somehow not topple over. In my left hand I hold the precious fingers of a three year old who will most definitely dart away if our hands aren't intertwined. Sometimes when I have seen her she has seen the bags under my eyes that tell her I was up all night with a fussy 3 month old, sometimes when she sees me she hears me bribing my 3 year old to be good just a little bit longer and I will give her a treat, she has heard me raise my voice, she has watched as I turned my head and pretended not see my child eat the dirty grapes out of the bag in the grocery line, she has heard me answer 448 questions from my three year old, she has seen me make silly faces at my 3 month old and she has seen me trying to comfort him when he is sick of errands.



         Her eyes are what make her recognizable.  Her eyes see me with my babies and then her eyes look at me and without her having to say a word her eyes tell me that she misses it. She misses all of it and if it were possible she would sell a lot of possessions and give up some amazing vacations to go back just a moment in time and have her babies in her arms and under her roof just one more time.  Her eyes tell me that she knows I am tired but don't get discouraged and don't blink because time is a vapor and if you blink it will all be over. Your kids will be grown, you will be alone at the grocery, you won't hear the pitter patter of feet in your house anymore and you will miss it. Her eyes tell me that every time she sees babies her arms long to hold hers one more time.


         Babies grow so fast and pretty soon they are kids and a few seconds later they are adults and before we know it they have kids of their own. On the days when it feels like I cannot deal with one more tantrum, on the nights when it feels like I cannot listen to my baby cry one more second; I see her. I see her eyes looking at me, looking at my babies and I remember just how precious this time of my life is. Motherhood is hard, exhausting and one of the least glamorous jobs on earth but as I said before time is a vapor and very soon I will not be seeing her I will be her. I will be walking out of Target seeing a young mom with her young babies and I will be missing all of it. Today I will hold my babies tighter and read an extra book or two to them. Tonight when they are asleep I will lie down in my bed and thank God for my babies.

I Need You

           It was two hours past her bedtime and she was absolutely exhausted! We had some friends over and let her stay up past her bedtime and she was quickly becoming an exhausted, tantrum throwing mess. Her dad took her upstairs to put her to bed and at a day shy of being 35 weeks pregnant I didn't complain that I didn't have to climb the stairs and wrestle her to bed. They had been upstairs for about 10 minutes and she is still sobbing and now she is also calling out "mommy." I go upstairs to assist my husband and comfort Meritt. When I walk in her room she sees me and through tears cries out "I need you mommy!" Let me first say that I have an incredible husband and he is more than a perfect dad to Meritt but in that moment she "needed" me.

          At 2.5 years old the normal statement from her mouth is "I do it myself" so to hear the words "I need you mommy" made me weak in the knees and my heart skipped a beat. I crawled into her bed and laid beside her and wrapped her in my arms. Her tear and snot soaked face pressed against my chest and in that moment nothing else existed except for my little girl and her "need" for me. Deep down I know that she needs me for all kinds of things. I know that at her age she could not survive on her own but with each day her desire for a little more independence is a brutal reminder that she is only mine for a small time. She is a growing thriving little girl and the more she can do by herself the happier she is. But in those moments, in those precious moments, that she reminds me that she needs me I am so happy and eager to be there to help her and love on her as much as she will allow.


    After she calmed down and let us tuck her in I found myself lying in my own bed thinking about my own desire for independence from God. Just like Meritt couldn't possibly survive on her own; without God I wouldn't make it a day. Deep down I know that, yet I find myself living my own life and making lots of decisions without seeking Him and His guidance. In times of pure exhaustion and desperation in this life I find myself crying out saying "I need you God." How deep the Father's love is and how thankful I am because in those times that I cry out He is there and He scoops me up and wraps His arms around me and comforts me and quiets the storms in my life.  In those times I am reminded that my own life isn't much different than the life of my toddler. In those times I am humbled at the reminder of how small I am and just how big God is.


     Thanks be to God that His mercies are new every morning and His love never gives up on me. How thankful I am to have a God that comes when I need Him and is always waiting with open arms to scoop me up.

In the Present

               When I was pregnant with her I couldn't wait to have her in my arms.  When she was  a newborn I couldn't wait until she could sleep for longer stretches at a time.  When she was 3 months I couldn't wait for her to be 6 months so she could sit up. When she was 6 months I couldn't wait for her to start crawling. When she was 11 months I couldn't wait for her to start walking. So much developed those first 18 months and when I look back I see that when she hit those big milestones I was anxious to see what was next instead of savoring the moment that we were in.


             She is 2 years old now and she is her own person. She talks all the time and she laughs at things she finds funny and turns up her nose at things that don't please her. She likes to do everything by herself. I now find myself wishing for time to stand still. She is more refreshing than a cold glass of water on a hot summer day and I want to drink all of this in. I want to savor it all and make the most of every precious moment that I am blessed with. 


          When I hug her and say "I love you" she says "no, mommy I love you more" and while I don't believe it's possible for her to love me more I feel my entire being melt like wax at her precious words. We have 50 something days left until our baby boy, Wells, arrives and while pregnancy at this point is very uncomfortable and very hard with a 2 year old I am trying with all that I am to not wish for tomorrow but instead to savor today. 


       My prayer is to be present in the moment and to make the most of every moment. I know that time flies with one child and it will certainly zoom when we have two.  I pray for us to continue to have a home that keeps Christ at the forefront and that we never lose focus of our purpose here on this earth.

The Valley of Infertility

           There she sits on the edge of her bed, tears streaming down her face, she has sat here before, 15 other times but who is counting. It is all the same, the pain, disappointment, emptiness, anger, yep it's all the same. She looks at the plastic test in her hand, gosh, if it only had two lines things would be so different. One line, she knows she needs to tell her husband but she is so disgusted with herself, with the process, with her husband, she is disgusted and doesn't want to have to tell him that once again she failed the test. What is so different about her body? Why is she the only person on the entire planet that can't carry a child to term?


         She goes to church, to the grocery, to target, literally everywhere she goes she is bombarded by women with protruding baby bumps and if they don't have the bump it is because they are cradling their tiny bundles of joy that have just been born. It seems like every time she logs onto Facebook there is another pregnancy announcement. She is surrounded and constantly reminded that once again it is not her that is expecting.  The variety of emotions that swell up inside her when she sees a pregnant woman are overwhelming. There is sadness, jealousy, anger, hopefulness, anxiety,  joy at the thought of the miracle, the emotions are many and they consume her entirely.


        Her heart aches for a baby, her heart aches for the babies that she miscarried. She tosses and turns at night wondering when/if she will ever be blessed with her own bundle. She knows that no matter the valley that she is asked to walk through, that God is faithful and that He will make a way. She has walked through other dark valleys in life and God has always shined a light and provided a way. She opens her bible and begins to read, God speaks to her and she is comforted by His voice. She feels the multitude of friends that are praying for her and at times of desperation she closes her eyes and pictures all of her friends going before God on her behalf. A peace blankets her.


       We all know this girl, maybe her circumstances aren't exactly the same, but we all know someone who struggles with infertility. May we all go before God and pray for her as she struggles through questions that go unanswered, heartache, and disappointment.  If you are this girl, may you know that you are not alone and you are not walking through this valley alone. May you feel the multitude of prayers that are being lifted on your behalf. May you never forget that God is faithful.


        She sits on the edge of her bed, tears streaming down her face and this time she isn't holding a test. She is holding letters written to her by friends who are committing to pray for her and be there for her as she struggles through this awful time.