Forgotten

       In past years I have given something up for the season of lent.  When I craved, desired or thought about what I had given up I would immediately turn my prayers and thoughts to Jesus and his life here on earth and his crucifixion.  As the days began to lead  to Ash Wednesday this year I began to think on what I would fast from.  A couple of Sundays before lent our pastor was speaking on Psalms and he encouraged us all to write our own Psalm to God.  At first I was taken a back at the intimidating thought of writing my own Psalm.  The idea seemed good but the Psalms in the bible are beautiful, eloquent and full of comfort.  I can name countless times in my life I have opened up Psalms to read and be comforted during my own trials.  There was no way I could write anything that could compare and then as the Lord so encouragingly does, he reminded me that he created my heart and my thoughts and that the Psalm I write to him would be a gift to him.  Then I remember smiling at the thought of being able to gift something to God.  To be able to gift the creator that has given me everything...WOW! I knew what I was doing for lent! So on Ash Wednesday I began my lent project, I decided instead of giving something up I instead would be writing a Psalm, a love letter to God, everyday of lent. 



        I bought a notebook and each morning before my family was awake I would make a cup of coffee and sit in the dining room and write a Psalm to God.  These were personal and not something I shared with anyone until spring break week.  We went out of the country so I made sure to pack my notebook so that I could keep up with my writing.  One evening I saw my daughter sitting on the couch reading my Psalms I went on to explain to her what I was doing, I explained that this is a form of worship and even prayer.  The next morning I woke and went to write in my notebook and it was gone! I panicked as this was personal to me and special to me and I couldn't imagine where this notebook could be! When my kids woke up I asked if they had seen it and my daughter said " I have it, I'll go get it" I was so relieved that it wasn't lost.  She brought it to me and I turned the pages to go to the next blank page when I was stopped by such a sight...my precious girl had taken my notebook to her room and written her own Psalm.  At 7 years old the handwriting was what caught my eyes but then I read her words as tears streamed down my face.  Her words were that of a 7 year old they weren't eloquent but they were so heart felt and instantly I knew that was the part that makes a Psalm so beautiful.  It isn't in the well-versed words used but instead in the heart felt sharing that brings the beauty to the Psalms. 

        I went on to write my daily Psalm day after day feeling more connected to God and noticing that I was more aware of God's involvement in the simplest of my daily tasks.  I think because I was with him every morning my eyes were open to see him all throughout my day.  It was this past Sunday, Palm Sunday, that I forgot to write in my notebook.  I slept later than I needed to, we had church, a baby shower, Easter egg hunt and well I just forgot.  The next morning I started my day with coffee but not my notebook and it wasn't until mid-morning that I first remembered that I hadn't written in two days, but in that moment I was busy and thought to myself "I'll do it later."  Today is Thursday and I am ashamed to say I still haven't written in it and with the shame of that my mind went to Peter.  He was so zealous for Jesus, he believed and even told Jesus he would die before he denied him yet on that same night he denied Jesus not once or twice but three times.  Human nature, how quickly we forget. In a matter of hours Peter had forgotten his words to Jesus.  In a world full of distractions it is quite easy to forget even the very most important things.  Be it Easter egg hunts or work, be it fear or selfish thoughts, be it innocent tasks and worthwhile motives.  One of Satan's favorite tools is busyness, he loves to trick us with busy schedules to keep our mind off of Jesus.  This Easter weekend will be busy for us all but I encourage all of us not to forget! Don't forget the crucifixion, don't forget all the sacrifices made for you, don't forget the true meaning of Easter.  When you see the children hunting eggs, remember the sacrifice.  When you see the spread of food on the table, remember the sacrifice.  When you see the sun shining and birds chirping, remember the sacrifice.  He sacrificed it all to give you everything so in all that you see and do remember HIM.  Easter Blessings to you and yours!

A Tuesday Thought

           If you live in Tennessee then you know that February has been WET! This past Saturday it rained for what felt like the hundredth day in a row.  When I say it has rained it has truly poured buckets upon buckets, flooding many parts of our state.  Back to Saturday, when we saw the predicted forecast we declared it a movie day! I ran to redbox and got several movies to occupy our minds during the rainy afternoon.  As predicted the rain came;  and it came hard...so hard in fact it distracted us from our movies and more to watching it fill our backyard.  As we looked out on our backyard we saw on three different occasions a limb fall from a tree.  It was sudden and abrupt almost like it was just too tired of hanging on during all these storms. Each time it seemed as if the limb was throwing in the towel.  Tired and defeated. 


          This week I have thought more of our trees and what I saw when those limbs fell.  I picture the tree as a person weathering a storm of life and the limbs friends trying to help the tree hold on.  If you have been through a storm in your life be it...job loss, cancer, death or divorce, then you know how difficult weathering the storm is.  It feels much like the rain we have seen this past month.  You don't see light at the end of the tunnel but instead more darkness and doom to rain on your life.  Sometimes the only thing holding you up is the limbs (friends) in your life.  If you have been through a storm you know that even some friends grow tired and weary.  Some start backing away from your situation for fear it will creep into their life as well.  Some are just too busy to bother with all you have going on when they have a life to live as well.  Some are just the friends of convenience when things are good they are there & when things aren't so good they are no where to be found.  These are the friends that much like the limbs I witnessed Saturday fall away from you instead of continue to hold you up.  Gosh thinking about this it starts to be a discouragement. 

          But just when I started to feel down I remembered Moses.  In Exodus 17 we read the story of Israel defeating the Amalekites.  In order for the Israelites to have the advantage Moses had to hold up his staff in the air.  After some time Moses' arms grew weary and tired as soon as he lowered them the Amalekites gained the advantage.  But it doesn't end here- you see Moses had friends, Aaron and Hur, they found a large stone to prop Moses on and they got on either side of him and held his arms up until sunset so that the Israelites could claim victory.  When Moses ran out of his own strength his friends met him where he was and carried the weight for him.  We all have these kind of friends too.  The one's who show up and are there.  The one's who know what you need without you saying a word. 

  Two thoughts for today:

 1.  Surround ourselves with friends like Aaron and Hur; friends that will uphold you and strengthen you when you can't do it for yourself. 

2.  Be a friend like Aaron and Hur.  Don't drop like a limb when the going gets tough in a friends life.  Instead hold them up and help them to see that the sun will shine again. 

Hills

         It is mid August and here in the south the heat is relentless.  I have been training for a half marathon which means I am running 4 times per week.  Recently I had put my run off for most of the day and when I realized I was out of excuses I laced up my shoes and hit the pavement.  Did I mention it is August? Did I mention that it is HOT? Like crack an egg and watch it scramble on the street- HOT.  It was towards the end of my run that I started ascending up a hill.  My clothes were wet with sweat, my legs tired, my eyes were tired of squinting in the hot sun...I was spent.  I forced myself to keep running I can only imagine that I must've looked like a garden snail, slowly & unenthusiastically trudging ahead.  It was then when my tired self saw him.  While I at best looked like a garden snail; he looked like a cheerful gazelle.  I was heading up the hill and this man was heading down.  Smiling so happy and his legs so graceful.  I was jealous. 

       I was jealous that he was going down and I was going up.  I was jealous that he was enjoying his run and I was suffering through mine.  It was when I got to the top of the hill that I realized how wrong I was.  You see at the top of the hill I had just climbed was a downhill slope for me to ease down much like he had just done.  It also meant that the downhill slope I was going to enjoy had been an uphill slope for him.  An uphill slope that had probably been difficult for him and that is why his cheer and grace was shining as he got to enjoy his downhill descent.  You see if it weren't for the challenges of the big hills in a run we wouldn't appreciate the ease of the downhill descents. 


        Life.  Our lives are full of hills and while currently I may be basking in the sunshine and rainbows of a current season; there is someone else struggling through a storm in theirs.  It is so easy when in the midst of the struggle to look at someone else and see all the good things happening for them and wonder why our life can't be the same.  The truth is we all have seasons that mirror the garden snail- seasons where we are fighting tooth and nail to make it another day.  Wondering if the storm cloud over head will ever pass.  Wondering where God is and why good things are happening for others while bad news continues to reign in your own life.  It is in those moments that we compare our lives to others and lose all the joy inside of us.  We find ourselves jealous of the graceful gazelle and forget that just a bit ago he was struggling too. 

     In this life we will face many hills.  Some of those hills will feel so huge and unbearable that they will make us think we may not make it.  While suffering on those hills we will look over  to see someone smiling almost floating on air with the ease in their own life.  But take heart...their smile comes from the joy and appreciation of the current ease because they too have faced some really big hills.  If it weren't for the difficulty of going uphill we would never be able to bask and fully enjoy the downhill descent. 

"Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray.  Are any of you happy? You should sing praises." James 5:13

Spring Is Coming

               Who else has questioned if Spring is ever going to come?  It has been a LONG, grey, cold Winter and while the calendar claims that it is in fact Spring the temperature and sky seem to scream WINTER.  We have covered our outdoor ferns and plants more times than I care to count, I have bundled my kids up to play outside only for in a few short minutes to have them come back inside chilled to the bone.  I cannot tell you the amount of times my kids have questioned "When is it ever going to get warm outside?" Each time I have told them soon, very soon but in all honesty I myself have questioned the same thing. Will Spring ever come?

            At 34 years old I have seen Spring every single year so deep down I know that it will in fact come, but here right now I look out my windows to see dark skies and frigid temps.  It is very difficult today to believe that Spring is in fact on its way.  Sunshine on my face, warm temps on my shoulders are at best a wish today.  While cold temps and grey skies are valid to complain about this late in April they are nothing compared to the Winters that all of us face at some point in our lives.  The Winters that aren't dark because of overcast skies, the Winters that aren't cold because of frigid temps.  The Winters that are like a suffocating dungeon of grief, heartbreak or an unbelievable amount of misfortune.  The Winters when you look out your window to be reminded of what could've been or what should be.  The Winters of your life where you are left questioning if there is any hope or joy left to be had. 

             The Winters when you feel like Spring just won't come.  We have all lived through this season of life.  Just like I have seen Winter fade each year and green grass rise up and flowers bloom I have seen Winters of pain in my life subside and joy to rise up and laughter to find its way back in.  If you are in the dead of Winter in your life, if it feels like you are hopeless and that your joy is gone I speak from experience when I say that Spring is coming! I have experienced pain and dark times but I have also seen my joy restored.  And if it weren't for the darkness of our Winters we would never appreciate the brightness that comes with our Springs.  Today take heart for you may be in the middle of Winter but I am certain Spring is coming!

Need Me Some More til You Don't Need Me Anymore

    On Monday my daughter came home from school and as usual I opened her backpack up to see what homework she had for the week.  I opened her folder and there it was a white piece of paper that made my heart stop, a tinge of sadness came over me as I realized yet another page in her book of life was almost time to be turned.  The paper was informing us it was time to order her Kindergarten cap and gown.  Her Kindergarten year the year that seemed a million moons away just a few years ago was now nearing the end.  I couldn't help but wish for her to need me some more til she doesn't need me anymore. 

      I can remember times in her first couple of years I wished she didn't need me so much.  I wished she had more independence so that I could get things done.  As we all know that is impossible for a baby and now looking back I see just how quickly those years of needing me 24/7 passed by.  And isn't it funny to think that here I sit just a few years later mourning the days that I used to want to hurry and pass me by.  Today I look at the yesterdays behind me and I am thankful for the times she needed me more. 


     Her independence these days is impressive and heartbreaking all at the same time.  As all mothers know watching your child grow up is a constant beaming with pride at the new things they are learning & achieving while also watching your heart shatter and break knowing that is a little less they need of you.   She reads books to her little brother at night, books that just a few months ago I was reading to both of them. She has never been more sure of what clothes look best on her and has gotten so good at reminding me that my taste in clothes is a "mom's" taste.  She wakes and gets her own breakfast and gets herself dressed. Admittedly some mornings this one doesn't make me too sad but never the less still a reminder that she needs me less and less.  She leaves for school and I think I wish she needed me some more.


     And just when I start to get sad she does something like last night to remind me just how much she still needs me.  Last night I was up at 2:30 with her little brother who was crying uncontrollably because he wanted it to be daylight.  My groggy self held him explaining that it was the middle of the night and everyone was asleep.  I laid him down and rubbed his back until he fell back asleep.  I come downstairs get back in bed to be woken up at 4 by my girl.  In tears she tells me she is scared because she had a bad dream about a witch.  Through her tears and loud sobs she asks me to come lay with her.  I grabbed my pillow and went upstairs to finish our sleep in her bed.  I laid beside her rubbing her back and smiling because she was reminding me that she Needs Me Some More til She Won't Need Me Anymore. 

    

Lessons From My Nana

     

   Today is the sixth birthday that my Nana will spend in heaven.  Today is the sixth year I can't pick up the phone and wish her a happy birthday, it is the sixth year I can't hear her tell me about her plans for a game of dominoes and pizza to celebrate her big day, it is the sixth year I haven't heard her talk about her love for the Atlanta Braves and her beloved, Chipper Jones.  It sounds sad to think of all the things I am missing and won't ever share again with her; but the reality is today I am happy and reflective.  Do I miss her? Everyday. Every. Single. Day.  I miss so much about her it is unreal but now when I think of the goodness of heaven and what is to come there is more to look forward to.  A sweet reunion with my Nana is definitely one of the top things on my list. 


       Today my happiness comes from reflection of just how good she was.  Today my happiness comes from lessons she taught me that are now apart of me and make up who I am, which in turn reminds me that part of her is apart of me.  I can't think of anything more beautiful than that even on the days when I miss her the most.  I want to share lessons that my Nana taught me so that I have them in writing for myself and for my Meritt.


       It is impossible to share all the goodness she taught me but here are a few of the good ones


COOK FOR YOUR FAMILY- Everyone's grandma is the best cook, I know, and I am among the many who will argue that my Nana was the best cook to ever exist.  There are some foods that will never taste the same again and then there are some that my mom and others have worked tirelessly to perfect to give it that perfect Nana taste.  Anyone that cooks knows it is all trial and error.  Some things are winners other things are not but just keep trying! It is a privilege and honor to cook for my family and often it offers me therapy to get in the kitchen and chop and play.  Recently my daughter told me that I was the best cook ever.  This is not true but her words meant so much because it made me feel like she was getting a glimpse of my Nana.

LOVE YOUR HUSBAND- When Brian and I got engaged I started having lots of wedding showers.  Some of my girlfriends threw me a lingerie shower and while my Nana didn't attend the shower she brought me a gift the day of the shower.  I remember opening it in front of her and blushing at the fact that my Nana was giving me lingerie.  She clearly knew I didn't know how to respond so she talked for me. She told me that romance is very important especially to your husband and that I needed to remember to work at it all of my days.  In the moment I was embarrassed but once I left her sight I let her words sink in and I knew the wisdom and truth in those words.  My Nana always was able to flirt with my Papa and there was a specific grin that only she could bring to his face. 

LAUGH AT YOURSELF- The woman knew humor and was absolutely hysterical.  She didn't know how to swim but she let my mom and aunts try and teach her almost every summer.  This usually resulted in her laughing so uncontrollably that she went under and someone had to pull her out.  I can remember many games of charades that ended in her wetting her pants from laughing so hard.  She was HILLARIOUS and never took herself too seriously.  This past year we were at the beach with my parents and Meritt had my mom on the beach in her swimsuit doing cartwheels, toe touches and cheers in front of tons of people.  It was hysterical and also the most warm feeling to see Meritt getting to laugh hysterically at my mom like I did at my Nana.

BE A FRIEND- There wasn't a friend she had to get sick, have surgery or just be down in the dumps that didn't receive a meal, a visit or card.  My Nana loved her friends and she valued building her friends up and being there for them in the good times and the bad.  She was intentional with her friendships and brought a taste of Jesus to all who knew her. 

IT'S ALL FOR HIM- Her life is over but the 71 years she spent on this earth were all for HIM.  My Nana loved the Lord with all of her heart and she spent time with Him every single day.  She dove into His word everyday, prayed frequently ( I am certain that me and my cousins turned out good because of the numerous prayers she covered us in).  Simply put she loved Jesus and I am certain that her time in heaven has been beyond beautiful. 

      The lessons I learned aren't extraordinary.  The lessons I learned aren't impossible.  The lessons my Nana taught me were humble and good.  The way she lived her life is motivation for me to live my life like her.  It wasn't in her words it was her actions.  She lived out what she believed.  While I am sad for my kids missing out on knowing such an amazing matriarch I am thankful for her life.  At night when I curl up in bed with the kids to say bedtime prayers I often tell them a story of my Nana.  It is beautiful to share her life with them and I always feel her presence in the room when I speak of her.  Nana, today it is your birthday but I am the one getting the gift.  The gift of remembering so many wonderful things you taught me!

When the Words Won't Come

          It seems in the past year I have had several friends going through some really hard stuff.  I don't know if it is because I am getting older so more adult, real life problems are present or if it is just a really tough season for several that I care about.  It has been a variety of struggles, heartaches and crises.  When the news has came each time I have felt the tug of war struggle of wanting to fix things and not knowing what to do.  It is like you want to jump in the water and rescue them but there is no place for you to jump.  So then you are left saying "I will pray for you." Sometimes saying that just seems cliché and frankly it sometimes doesn't feel like enough.  Recently a friend changed my mind on those cliché feelings. 

          My list of friends and family that I am praying for is long and full of BIG stuff.  Occasionally I will send a text to a friend after I have prayed for them.  I don't know about you but there are times I will be driving down the road or unloading the dishwasher and God will just place a friends name on my heart and it is in that moment that I stop in my tracks and pray for that person.  I almost consider it a "text from heaven." God knows the busy season of life I am in so he pricks my heart and stops me then and there for a time of prayer.  Recently I texted a friend "I just prayed for you" I just wanted her to know that God had just placed her on my heart and I wanted her to know that even though her storm is raging she still has people in her corner rooting for her and praying for her.  The response she sent is what quieted my doubts and made "I will pray for you" anything but a cliché.  My friend has been through a lot, most recently a great loss.  When I told her I had just prayed for her she replied "good, thank you, I need you to because lately when I try to pray the words just won't come."


         Many of you have been right where she is...you know God, you know of his faithfulness and goodness but the waves keep crashing before you can open your mouth to catch some air.  You get over one hurdle to look up and see that a mountain is next.  The pain of life can be paralyzing, it can be a brutal place and to that all I can say is thank goodness this world is not our home! But here we are living in this world and if you are on the sidelines watching as friends get hit blow by blow with the pain and heartache that life dishes out- pray for them! Let them know that you are praying! God is faithful and provides us with each other to lighten the loads of our brothers and sisters when life gets too heavy.  If you are being beaten by life right now, if you are paralyzed by the pain of life and the words won't come when you pray- let others pray for you.  Let others walk with you and give you the sustenance you need to make it through the valley.  God has given us so many blessings one of the greatest is the gift of each other!