Hills

         It is mid August and here in the south the heat is relentless.  I have been training for a half marathon which means I am running 4 times per week.  Recently I had put my run off for most of the day and when I realized I was out of excuses I laced up my shoes and hit the pavement.  Did I mention it is August? Did I mention that it is HOT? Like crack an egg and watch it scramble on the street- HOT.  It was towards the end of my run that I started ascending up a hill.  My clothes were wet with sweat, my legs tired, my eyes were tired of squinting in the hot sun...I was spent.  I forced myself to keep running I can only imagine that I must've looked like a garden snail, slowly & unenthusiastically trudging ahead.  It was then when my tired self saw him.  While I at best looked like a garden snail; he looked like a cheerful gazelle.  I was heading up the hill and this man was heading down.  Smiling so happy and his legs so graceful.  I was jealous. 

       I was jealous that he was going down and I was going up.  I was jealous that he was enjoying his run and I was suffering through mine.  It was when I got to the top of the hill that I realized how wrong I was.  You see at the top of the hill I had just climbed was a downhill slope for me to ease down much like he had just done.  It also meant that the downhill slope I was going to enjoy had been an uphill slope for him.  An uphill slope that had probably been difficult for him and that is why his cheer and grace was shining as he got to enjoy his downhill descent.  You see if it weren't for the challenges of the big hills in a run we wouldn't appreciate the ease of the downhill descents. 


        Life.  Our lives are full of hills and while currently I may be basking in the sunshine and rainbows of a current season; there is someone else struggling through a storm in theirs.  It is so easy when in the midst of the struggle to look at someone else and see all the good things happening for them and wonder why our life can't be the same.  The truth is we all have seasons that mirror the garden snail- seasons where we are fighting tooth and nail to make it another day.  Wondering if the storm cloud over head will ever pass.  Wondering where God is and why good things are happening for others while bad news continues to reign in your own life.  It is in those moments that we compare our lives to others and lose all the joy inside of us.  We find ourselves jealous of the graceful gazelle and forget that just a bit ago he was struggling too. 

     In this life we will face many hills.  Some of those hills will feel so huge and unbearable that they will make us think we may not make it.  While suffering on those hills we will look over  to see someone smiling almost floating on air with the ease in their own life.  But take heart...their smile comes from the joy and appreciation of the current ease because they too have faced some really big hills.  If it weren't for the difficulty of going uphill we would never be able to bask and fully enjoy the downhill descent. 

"Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray.  Are any of you happy? You should sing praises." James 5:13

Spring Is Coming

               Who else has questioned if Spring is ever going to come?  It has been a LONG, grey, cold Winter and while the calendar claims that it is in fact Spring the temperature and sky seem to scream WINTER.  We have covered our outdoor ferns and plants more times than I care to count, I have bundled my kids up to play outside only for in a few short minutes to have them come back inside chilled to the bone.  I cannot tell you the amount of times my kids have questioned "When is it ever going to get warm outside?" Each time I have told them soon, very soon but in all honesty I myself have questioned the same thing. Will Spring ever come?

            At 34 years old I have seen Spring every single year so deep down I know that it will in fact come, but here right now I look out my windows to see dark skies and frigid temps.  It is very difficult today to believe that Spring is in fact on its way.  Sunshine on my face, warm temps on my shoulders are at best a wish today.  While cold temps and grey skies are valid to complain about this late in April they are nothing compared to the Winters that all of us face at some point in our lives.  The Winters that aren't dark because of overcast skies, the Winters that aren't cold because of frigid temps.  The Winters that are like a suffocating dungeon of grief, heartbreak or an unbelievable amount of misfortune.  The Winters when you look out your window to be reminded of what could've been or what should be.  The Winters of your life where you are left questioning if there is any hope or joy left to be had. 

             The Winters when you feel like Spring just won't come.  We have all lived through this season of life.  Just like I have seen Winter fade each year and green grass rise up and flowers bloom I have seen Winters of pain in my life subside and joy to rise up and laughter to find its way back in.  If you are in the dead of Winter in your life, if it feels like you are hopeless and that your joy is gone I speak from experience when I say that Spring is coming! I have experienced pain and dark times but I have also seen my joy restored.  And if it weren't for the darkness of our Winters we would never appreciate the brightness that comes with our Springs.  Today take heart for you may be in the middle of Winter but I am certain Spring is coming!

Need Me Some More til You Don't Need Me Anymore

    On Monday my daughter came home from school and as usual I opened her backpack up to see what homework she had for the week.  I opened her folder and there it was a white piece of paper that made my heart stop, a tinge of sadness came over me as I realized yet another page in her book of life was almost time to be turned.  The paper was informing us it was time to order her Kindergarten cap and gown.  Her Kindergarten year the year that seemed a million moons away just a few years ago was now nearing the end.  I couldn't help but wish for her to need me some more til she doesn't need me anymore. 

      I can remember times in her first couple of years I wished she didn't need me so much.  I wished she had more independence so that I could get things done.  As we all know that is impossible for a baby and now looking back I see just how quickly those years of needing me 24/7 passed by.  And isn't it funny to think that here I sit just a few years later mourning the days that I used to want to hurry and pass me by.  Today I look at the yesterdays behind me and I am thankful for the times she needed me more. 


     Her independence these days is impressive and heartbreaking all at the same time.  As all mothers know watching your child grow up is a constant beaming with pride at the new things they are learning & achieving while also watching your heart shatter and break knowing that is a little less they need of you.   She reads books to her little brother at night, books that just a few months ago I was reading to both of them. She has never been more sure of what clothes look best on her and has gotten so good at reminding me that my taste in clothes is a "mom's" taste.  She wakes and gets her own breakfast and gets herself dressed. Admittedly some mornings this one doesn't make me too sad but never the less still a reminder that she needs me less and less.  She leaves for school and I think I wish she needed me some more.


     And just when I start to get sad she does something like last night to remind me just how much she still needs me.  Last night I was up at 2:30 with her little brother who was crying uncontrollably because he wanted it to be daylight.  My groggy self held him explaining that it was the middle of the night and everyone was asleep.  I laid him down and rubbed his back until he fell back asleep.  I come downstairs get back in bed to be woken up at 4 by my girl.  In tears she tells me she is scared because she had a bad dream about a witch.  Through her tears and loud sobs she asks me to come lay with her.  I grabbed my pillow and went upstairs to finish our sleep in her bed.  I laid beside her rubbing her back and smiling because she was reminding me that she Needs Me Some More til She Won't Need Me Anymore. 

    

Lessons From My Nana

     

   Today is the sixth birthday that my Nana will spend in heaven.  Today is the sixth year I can't pick up the phone and wish her a happy birthday, it is the sixth year I can't hear her tell me about her plans for a game of dominoes and pizza to celebrate her big day, it is the sixth year I haven't heard her talk about her love for the Atlanta Braves and her beloved, Chipper Jones.  It sounds sad to think of all the things I am missing and won't ever share again with her; but the reality is today I am happy and reflective.  Do I miss her? Everyday. Every. Single. Day.  I miss so much about her it is unreal but now when I think of the goodness of heaven and what is to come there is more to look forward to.  A sweet reunion with my Nana is definitely one of the top things on my list. 


       Today my happiness comes from reflection of just how good she was.  Today my happiness comes from lessons she taught me that are now apart of me and make up who I am, which in turn reminds me that part of her is apart of me.  I can't think of anything more beautiful than that even on the days when I miss her the most.  I want to share lessons that my Nana taught me so that I have them in writing for myself and for my Meritt.


       It is impossible to share all the goodness she taught me but here are a few of the good ones


COOK FOR YOUR FAMILY- Everyone's grandma is the best cook, I know, and I am among the many who will argue that my Nana was the best cook to ever exist.  There are some foods that will never taste the same again and then there are some that my mom and others have worked tirelessly to perfect to give it that perfect Nana taste.  Anyone that cooks knows it is all trial and error.  Some things are winners other things are not but just keep trying! It is a privilege and honor to cook for my family and often it offers me therapy to get in the kitchen and chop and play.  Recently my daughter told me that I was the best cook ever.  This is not true but her words meant so much because it made me feel like she was getting a glimpse of my Nana.

LOVE YOUR HUSBAND- When Brian and I got engaged I started having lots of wedding showers.  Some of my girlfriends threw me a lingerie shower and while my Nana didn't attend the shower she brought me a gift the day of the shower.  I remember opening it in front of her and blushing at the fact that my Nana was giving me lingerie.  She clearly knew I didn't know how to respond so she talked for me. She told me that romance is very important especially to your husband and that I needed to remember to work at it all of my days.  In the moment I was embarrassed but once I left her sight I let her words sink in and I knew the wisdom and truth in those words.  My Nana always was able to flirt with my Papa and there was a specific grin that only she could bring to his face. 

LAUGH AT YOURSELF- The woman knew humor and was absolutely hysterical.  She didn't know how to swim but she let my mom and aunts try and teach her almost every summer.  This usually resulted in her laughing so uncontrollably that she went under and someone had to pull her out.  I can remember many games of charades that ended in her wetting her pants from laughing so hard.  She was HILLARIOUS and never took herself too seriously.  This past year we were at the beach with my parents and Meritt had my mom on the beach in her swimsuit doing cartwheels, toe touches and cheers in front of tons of people.  It was hysterical and also the most warm feeling to see Meritt getting to laugh hysterically at my mom like I did at my Nana.

BE A FRIEND- There wasn't a friend she had to get sick, have surgery or just be down in the dumps that didn't receive a meal, a visit or card.  My Nana loved her friends and she valued building her friends up and being there for them in the good times and the bad.  She was intentional with her friendships and brought a taste of Jesus to all who knew her. 

IT'S ALL FOR HIM- Her life is over but the 71 years she spent on this earth were all for HIM.  My Nana loved the Lord with all of her heart and she spent time with Him every single day.  She dove into His word everyday, prayed frequently ( I am certain that me and my cousins turned out good because of the numerous prayers she covered us in).  Simply put she loved Jesus and I am certain that her time in heaven has been beyond beautiful. 

      The lessons I learned aren't extraordinary.  The lessons I learned aren't impossible.  The lessons my Nana taught me were humble and good.  The way she lived her life is motivation for me to live my life like her.  It wasn't in her words it was her actions.  She lived out what she believed.  While I am sad for my kids missing out on knowing such an amazing matriarch I am thankful for her life.  At night when I curl up in bed with the kids to say bedtime prayers I often tell them a story of my Nana.  It is beautiful to share her life with them and I always feel her presence in the room when I speak of her.  Nana, today it is your birthday but I am the one getting the gift.  The gift of remembering so many wonderful things you taught me!